Why There Are Rules

I was asked the other night why I have rules about my male friends dating in the circle of my female friends. I already know that this is not everyone's favorite topic and people think everyone should be allowed to date who they want to, but please consider this before you judge me. The rules come from past experience and I don't mean just one. The messes I have ended up in have cost me friendships and looking back, this is the only way I know to prevent this. Granted, we are all older and maturity is the gift we have been given (in most cases), but you cannot change the fact the we are human and emotions run deep and a romantic relationship can shift the balance of any group's dynamics.

Don't get me wrong. I want people to be happy, especially my friends. I want them in stable, permanent, monogamous, kissy-face, make-me-sick relationships, and sometimes I think the best way to get there is for everyone to know everyone else (meaning date within your circle) since the concept of actual dating has gone completely by the wayside in today's society, but what happens when they break up?

Let's start with the circle of friends where couples begin to form. Everyone is hanging out having a good time and then a boy likes a girl or a girl likes a boy. It is as simple as a little biology and chemistry. So, they hook-up. In the beginning, things are just the same, only what was two is now one. Then, this couple ends up not staying together. They are friends with all of you. Everyone in the group likes both of you and the break-up is not really going all that well. Even as adults, break-ups result in hurt feelings, bad behavior and some "he said, she said." This stuff is not reserved for teenagers and as much as we would never want to admit it, the drama we see in movies and on TV that we laugh at does really happen in real life. Face it. We are human and we can't help ourselves. And often, you will see a division of men and women over the demise of a relationship. Why? Because society has dictated that women side with women and men side with men. If you believe that crap, great. Whatever. The point is, when a relationship ends, no one wins and everyone around you is affected. It is a like a nuclear bomb. There is no containment. The groups ends up with a shift in what once was a very delicate balance in male-female non-sexual relationships. If you know the movie, "When Harry Met Sally," Harry insists that women and men cannot be friends. That there is always one person who is romantically interested in the other person at any given time in the relationship. I am not sure I agree totally with that statement, but I think that Harry is definitely correct in his concept. It is all about timing. Men and women think so differently about sex and about relationships this concept warrants an entirely different discussion. How this relates to the rules is why it is so difficult to date within a group of friends. Timing can be a problem. You met him/her at the wrong time. Someone else saw him or her first.

So, back to this question. Why are there rules about dating each other's friends? Let me connect the dots so we have a clear picture. I have asked several men if they would date an ex girlfriend of one of their friends. The answers vary, but for the most part, men don't have rules. Men don't care if the woman they are with was their brother's former wife. Ok. Maybe not that drastic, but I think you might be getting my point. Women, on the other hand, in general, if they are good friends, do not date each other's men. Ever! At least not the women who want to stay friends. You just don't go there. And to take it one step further, you don't date men that your friend's have expressed a serious interest in, dated for any decent length of time, or have any on-going relationship with (even if the relationship is only friends) without that woman giving her blessing and even then you should probably say no. Please be aware, that there are always exceptions to the rules and women know when they are okay with their friends dating someone and when they are not. This is entirely situational. Many women don't have a problem with their friends dating a guy that they liked or dated 10 years ago, but they do liked to be asked before a friend goes out with him. Nothing bothers women more than seeing "a friend" with someone she used to like or dated. Honesty is always the best policy. We don't "own" these men; we just like to be informed so there aren't any surprises later. It is just courtesy.

Any man reading this is probably going to flip out, say this is bullshit and think he does not have much of a chance if there is a gatekeeper out there not letting her friends date each other, but guys, get a clue. This is not only about you. This is about maintaining the integrity of all of the relationships involved and believe me, I have been down this road a few too many times to not have these rules. This is about looking out for everyone's interests, yours included, even though you probably don't think do. Past experience has brought me here and I am through with learning my life lessons multiple times. Do remember this, a woman always makes up her own mind in the end so you still have a chance.